Time isn't healing

Monday, May 10, 2010

moving on.

I have wanted many things in life.
And most of the times I don't get it, and I don't mind.
Because you don't always get what you want.
I understand that.
But then, there's always one thing that makes you ache with want, and need.
You get all excited about it, then depressed when you realized it isn't ever going to happen. But you are, somehow, determined.
Which sometimes makes situation worse. For hoping too much.

I have never been much of an optimistic person.
I tend to think of the worst, because in my mind, I figured if I've already expected the worst, nothing could get me down anymore.
And that trait of me is also something my dad is very disapprove of. And I totally understand why.
Whenever things starts getting better, I get happy, and optimistic.
Then when I get home, when I have some alone time and started thinking, it's just too happy to be true, something will happen. Something bad.
It gets me every time.

Have you ever got that feeling that maybe, just maybe, God wants to cut you some slack, and give you something you wanted easily for once. Without you going through those troubles, and suffering, and in the end might not succeed anyway.
Have you ever?

Working hard to get something I desire, never seemed to be like a hardship to me.
I grew up learning, if you want to get something, you got to work for it.
I am working for it, it's just...there are people out there pulling you back. People closed to you. People you love. People you can't hurt their feelings for.
And you're left in a mess.

I started to realize, recently, that it wasn't them who moved on without me.
It was me who kept stepping on the same ground, refusing to take the first step.
When you'd wake up from your dream, and it hit you, were you too fazed in that happy fantasy life of yours, that you'd forgotten about everything else?
And when you look back, you see that they have all already started moving on.
It's you, you who refused to step up.